Late Night Thoughts

It's funny how inspiration hits when insomnia reigns.

As exhausted as I am physically, my mind is too active to rest.

I've been meaning to write for a while, but I wasn't ready to talk... type... about it. My great-grandma passed away in March. It was hard for me, because I loved her very much, but also because I always thought I would go back to visit her before she passed. I hadn't seen her for nine years, and I was hoping she would last at least two more years. She would've been 100 years old on June 1st, 2015. I really wanted to go see her for her special birthday, but now I will only get to see her grave.

It's sad, but I've come to terms with the fact that it was her time to go. We can never escape the grips of death, no matter how hard we try, and no matter how scared we are. The only comfort death gives me is the idea of becoming one with the universe; in a way, we all come back again. Maybe not at the same time, but our molecules will eventually end up as part of another being. That's all that I'm certain of, so I'm sticking to it for comfort.

I wasn't planning on making this entry sad, but I had to get that out of my system. I miss her dearly but I know she will never truly leave us. Not while she lives in our memories and in our hearts.

RIP Bisabuela Olga <3 June 1st, 1914 - March 3rd, 2013 <3

On to happier thoughts.

I've had a great day. I learned that yoga is tough and although it may not feel like it, you will be feeling the burn afterwards! My body is completely exhausted. I didn't think I had worked hard at all after I was done, but a few hours later I was ready for a nap! I love exercising, it's truly amazing how great you feel after you're done. You feel energized and exhausted, probably a little sore, but it makes me feel alive!

Steven and I also looked at cars and found some good options for him. He's been dying to get a second one for a while so we don't have to keep sharing the beetle. I'm happy about it because I can put eyelashes on my car and make it super girly the second he gets his own car! That and I won't have to take the train everywhere if I don't feel like it... or if it's snowing really hard.

We also found the perfect apartment! We've been looking for a while for something that matched our needs and we FINALLY found one! It's not too far away from here so we're still close to our families and friends; that and I don't have to wake up 3 hours before my first class to catch a train. Steven still has to commute to work but it's closer to the freeway so it won't be quite as long. My favorite part about it is that it's pretty spacious so my cats will have plenty of room to run around. I'm just glad we're finally going to be able to move; living with your parents is not pleasant.

It feels like we've been lazy and failed at being adults because we haven't moved out yet, but thinking back on it, I don't think anyone else in our situation would've been able to either so I don't feel quite as bad. Steven hadn't been able to get a good job for a while, and when he did find a good one, it was too far away with a pay that wasn't high enough to justify the money he was spending on gas. It also didn't help that at some point both of us were working and going to school and never found time to see each other; even then, we were barely making enough to be on our own. We've also had to save up and spend a lot of money on my residency stuff. It's been a long process but we can almost put it behind us; I can finally apply for citizenship this year!

It's been a rough ride but I'm so relieved we can finally move out and be on our own. Life is looking up and we can live our lives the way we want to. It's been a long three years, but I'm very proud of how far we've come. We're not perfect, but we're truly perfect together. :) Steven is my best friend and I am extremely blessed and thankful to the Goddess that we crossed paths and fell in love. He is the best thing to ever happen to me; he is truly a blessing and I couldn't imagine my life without him.

Speaking of our bright future together, I'm excited about school.

I'm not taking any classes this summer because it's too expensive, so I can't wait until Fall semester. I'll be taking 17 credits hours, yuck, but that means I'm that much closer to my goal. I am no longer going to doubt myself; I am not letting fear stop me. I am going to go to medical school after I'm done with my pre-med education. It doesn't matter if I didn't do amazing my first year; I am doing amazing now and I have enough drive to keep going. I am a great student and I'm doctor material. I care for others and I will do anything in my power to help those in need, whether they be animals or humans, young or old, sick or healthy. I want to help others and I will do that when I'm ready. It doesn't matter if it's an MD school or a DO school, I will become a great doctor.

I have to talk to myself in a positive voice to help with my doubts. Slowly but surely, it's working. I think it's something that helps us all. We have to be kind to ourselves and talk to ourselves positively so we don't bring down our self-esteem. We have to be confident in our abilities; we may not do everything perfect, but we can do great things if we believe in ourselves and work hard for it. I truly believe with motivation and hard work we can achieve anything; the only thing stopping us is if we decide it's not what we want to achieve.

There's my little pep-talk of the day, I guess. :P

I feel like I can get some sleep now that I've written down everything that's been on my mind. Life is beautiful and I'm very blessed to be able to experience it. I will try to see things in a positive light and help those around me as much as I can. I am thankful for everything in my life right now, I'm thankful for everything in the past because it helped form who I am, and I'm thankful for everything that has yet to come.

Love,
Andrea~!